Pink Cloud Coaching with Teresa Rodden

Look at that smile

Mom, I love you.

This is the dedication in my first book, Wholly Sober.

There are no words to express the depth of love I have for my mom. She is my why.

As I write these words, my breath collects in my belly, there is constriction around my heart, and tears flood my lower lids.

My Mom died sometime between Thursday night and Friday morning. So many questions, emotions, regrets, wish I had, should have, if only.

I love my Mom so much. I hated that she never got to LIVE a life where she felt free. The last few years would be the closest to freedom that she experienced. She was in a state of being childlike due to Alzheimer’s.

I loved how silly she was when we chatted on the phone. She often flirted with my husband. Mom put way more value on a man’s attention than a woman. I have a theory that I will explore and share with you another time. It’s a box I don’t want to open and rob me of this moment.

We got baptized together

My work has always been the emancipation from self-imprisonment. My mom is my inspiration in my quest to help women break free from the need to misuse alcohol. Hell, just break free from expectations cast on her by others, hurtful opinions of herself, thinking that she had to settle even though she was miserable. “I chose this life.” Well, yes, you may have, but it was with the information and awareness you had then.

As the passage from Wholly Sober reads, “Trying to tell her to quit drinking was like taking away her life pass. With alcohol, she could talk to people, speak her mind, dance, live without worry, let go of her inhibitions, disconnect from fear.”

We both used alcohol to stop feeling, thinking, and accept our fates without demanding better. I found my freedom. Even now in my greatest pain, I KNOW the power of feeling it all and allowing myself to explore my thoughts and let them flow before assimilating. I checked in last night and thought would alcohol help now? And while walking in the twilight I knew drinking would only make the pain worse. I wish to heal.

Mom did stop drinking around 2007. No program, meetings, or identifying as an alcoholic. She just stopped drinking.

In her final years, Judy came out to play, and you would see that little girl with life in her start dancing in the middle of a grocery store, say something naughty and giggle, or find her singing along to a song. I’m very lucky to have caught some of these moments on video and pictures.

No amount of bubble wrap could keep you safe

Mom, wherever you are, please stay close to me.

We have only just begun.

I love you.

Treece

I wish she would have known me.

Have you ever re-read a book years later and been affected much deeper by it even though you’ve read it and possibly even re-read it before? Hell, maybe you even lived it and wrote it?

I was looking for some documents in storage and came across this picture. The photo captured me and a new friend I had made at church camp, Shannon. She was what I wrote about in Wholly Sober, a good girl. The picture is out of focus, but you can see that it’s me in my swimsuit, cut-off shorts, and pigtails on the right.

Even now, my stomach has an ache in it. As if there is a fist-sized knot pressing up against my heart, causing my breath to catch and giving me a bizarre tingly sensation through my body. Anxiety.

In a different box, I found the letter the counselor from that church camp had written to my mom, “Teresa was our constant smile of sunshine…”

I would never be a good girl

In Wholly Sober, I wrote about this pivotal moment in time.

“…I Would Never Be A Good Girl

Rather than trying to become what I could never be, I disconnected from God and the good girls to be on my own… I stopped thinking about God… I walked away and never looked back. 

I was twelve.

Coincidently that same year, I experienced my first intentional drunk…

I liked how beer allowed me to disconnect from my feelings. And while Doug was kind of old and gross, his touches and kisses weren’t awful. Not like when I was a little girl—I hated being touched when I was little. For once, it “felt” good not to feel bad about being bad. 

My momentum picked up from there. In eighth grade, I drank as often as I could, smoked pot when I couldn’t drink, started smoking cigarettes, and got good at having sex.”

I wish she would have known me

I’m not who I was. But oh, how I wish twelve-year-old me would have had someone, anyone, tell her that she was good. That what had happened to her did not make her who she thought she was or wasn’t, good. I wish she would have known me.

I can’t change the past. There’s no rewind or do-over. I allow that little girl part of me to heal by letting her speak now. By letting her feel what she feels, what I FEEL, and not excuse it away and tell myself to just get over it, I become even more empowered and determined.

What I can do is keep sharing my story and continue to do the work I feel compelled to do. The more we make it okay to read, speak, listen to the heartbreak, the more aware of it we become as a community and make it a safer place to open our hearts and heal.

Don’t be afraid to ask the little girl still in you or in your family how they are doing. Be curious about how she’s experiencing life. What are her hopes and dreams? Fears and doubts?

Listen. And connect.

Much love,

Teresa

Spring clean your thought triggers to drink

Let’s discuss the “I just want to stop thinking” trigger or prompt to drink.

Drinking to avoid remembering, knowing, and feeling. We sometimes just use a shortcut for these reasons to drink and say something like, “I just want to stop thinking.”

I get it! Hell, I get it so good I am still haunted at times by memories that seem to pop out of nowhere trying to convince me that I am bad and deserve to suffer. I would be lying if I said I never fall victim to their seduction to shame.

For me, it’s often in the middle of the night and when life is going well. I’ll wake up and start thinking about a night when I had been drinking and woke up with a boy next to me from my teen years! Yeah, I’ve beaten the shit out of myself more than enough for those moments.

There is NOTHING in this world that can change my past.

So, what do I do since I don’t misuse alcohol to help put these random angry ghosts from my past back in the “do not open” drawer? I explore them for information. What do I need to learn from this ghastly memory to be free of it?

What’s the truth?

I was an uninformed teen who didn’t know to value my body. I was taught to misuse alcohol to cope and experience a sense of freedom. I love her and proud of the woman she has become.

It took me several years into my sober journey to be able to face that girl and flood her with love, acceptance, and gratitude for surviving – without her; I wouldn’t be me. She may have been reckless, sloppy, and drunk a lot, but she was also courageous, tenacious, and willful.

This work is not easy.

This work is not easy and I’m not trying to suggest it is. But I promise this kind of hard work, the pain of going through this type of process, has incredible rewards—the first being freed from the need to misuse alcohol.

If you’re not sure where to start simply break out a notebook, get curious, and start asking questions.

Start with, what am I resisting? Or what am I afraid of?

Keep it simple and straightforward.

I’m here if you need me. 

Of course, I love helping women explore their thoughts, feelings, beliefs, hopes, and dreams. If this is something you’re interested in, just reach out, and let’s discuss what that would be like.

If you’re not ready for that level of commitment, be sure to sign up on my mailing list. I have a lot of exciting news to share, and I don’t want you to miss out on any of it!

And don’t forget, “Before You Drink, Think PINK!”

Much love, Teresa

“The prisoner who lost faith in their future was doomed…” Viktor Franklyn

I read this, and like so many times, I read similar brilliant passages; I’m magically transported back to when I didn’t want to wake up anymore.

It’s been over eighteen years since I’ve felt that level of doom, but my body, mind, and spirit have not forgotten the taste in my mouth every morning, listening to the sounds of the house, and waiting for the moment I hear that voice reminding me that I am trapped. The voice of my abuser, Prince Harming. “Why am I still here,” I would sometimes think out loud.

It seems absurd to even compare the two circumstances. But I felt I was doomed and had no hope for a better future.

Have you read “Man’s Search for Meaning” by Viktor Frankyl?  It makes for interesting bedtime reading, but that’s when my mind slows down enough for me to read. If you haven’t read it, consider doing so for perspective, if nothing else.

Back to the point of this post…

Many, if not all, of the women I have drinking concern conversations with, have lost connection to THEIR future. They’ve got a laundry list of tasks and supposed to’s but are very short-sighted on what they WANT and what they’re moving toward.

This may not be as extreme as the quote or even my experience, but I didn’t instantaneously end up lying across my bed wondering why am I still here. And, this is important, it wasn’t alcohol’s fault why I was there. I misused alcohol to help me ignore my foolish choices and numb the consequences of said choices. I built my prison one decision at a time with a drink in hand.

It was getting clear about wanting my FREEDOM that got me sober 18 years ago. And I have very telltale signs that signal when I’m not moving toward MY desired future—much more on that at a later date.

Get curious and spend some time exploring what you’re moving toward. Is it designed by you? Or are you going through the motions? Is it what lights you up? Or is it what you “should’ want or do?

Come on, now. You only have this one life!

Explore the POSSIBILITIES.

Be INTENTIONAL with who you are being and where you’re heading.

Put that NEUROPLASTICITY to use by considering other possibilities by practicing daydreaming.

And always exercise KINDNESS when examining your choices.

Before you drink, Think P.I.N.K.

Much love,

Teresa Rodden

Author|Coach|Advocate for freedom to explore sober possibilities

Before you drink, Think PINK

P IS  FOR POSSIBILITIES

Focusing your energy on who you want to be, what you want to do, and how you want to live.

Be inspired by

Having

Other

Possibilities to

Explore!

I can honestly tell you that my future self was the possibilities that pulled me through facing homelessness, not one but three bankruptcies, no transportation, and being a single mom. Alcohol didn’t get me to this point; it just helped me ignore what was happening.

I is for INTENTIONS

Become aware of the Intentions behind your thoughts, action, and choices.

Be Intentional about going after the life you want and don’t just settle. Oh, goodness, NEVER SETTLE. That’s what kept me drunk!

I knew I would have to change how I perceived, interacted, and responded to life moving forward. I was no longer the same woman who ignored the problems and the pain.

N is for Neuroplasticity

A fancy word for your brain has the capacity to change. You are not forever who you are today.

It will take time, intention, and practice to change your habit, but YOU CAN DO IT!

I enacted the same philosophy when I quit drinking in 2003 that I had when I quit smoking in 1999. I changed my routine. I mean, the simple, things like when and where I had my first cup of coffee in the morning. What route I drove to work. What door I went in. I started walking and jogging daily. Little did I know ALL of these little things were setting my brain up for neural pathway success!

K is for Kindness

NEVER berate, guilt, or shame yourself!

Doing so causes pain and pain leads to the need to misuse alcohol.

I hold space for so many people who have forgotten what lovely and beautiful beings they are. Kindness matters always but especially when you don’t think you deserve it. Judging and scolding yourself is like picking at a wound and never allowing it to heal.

Watch for more P.I.N.K. videos and ways to explore sober possibilities for YOU!

Visit the new Pink Cloud Coaching YouTube channel for more videos.

Before you drink, Think PINK.