I Want To Know You!

I first heard Mountain Dreaming, by Oriah, at a workshop I attended a few years ago. It’s on the long side, but so worth the read. I think different parts will resonate at different times of your journey. I so want to know what resonates with you.

The following excerpt landed deep within me shortly after writing Wholly Sober, last summer.

I want to know

if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself

If you can bear

the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul

In it, I wrote of an incredibly vulnerable and difficult time where I had to be willing to disappoint the one person I felt held my reigns and kept me sober, my sponsor. I was accused of betrayal. My intention was not to hurt her. But I did to save myself, my soul. I could not continue the path I had started and remained sober. It was an unfortunate situation that tested me in many ways. I felt trapped and abandoned. But I persevered. Today, I have no doubt I made the right choices with over fourteen years sober. Uh-hmmm, excuse me, not just sober, but WHOLLY SOBER. I live in peace.

I love Oriah’s words and hope you find inspiration to take a thought or two deeper. Perhaps break out a notebook and open your mind letting it flow over the pages.

Allow these words to work through you and be aware of which words speak to you.

“It doesn’t interest me

what you do for a living

I want to know what you ache for

and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

 

It doesn’t interest me

how old you are

I want to know

if you will risk looking like a fool

for love

for your dream

for the adventure of being alive.

 

It doesn’t interest me

what planets are squaring your moon…

I want to know

if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow

if you have been opened by life’s betrayals

or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.

 

I want to know

if you can sit with pain

mine or your own

without moving to

hide it

or fade it

or fix it.

 

I want to know

if you can be with joy

mine or your own

if you can dance with wildness

and let the ecstasy fill you

to the tips of your fingers and toes

without cautioning us

to be careful

to be realistic

to remember the limitations

of being human.

 

It doesn’t interest me

if the story you are telling me

is true

I want to know

if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself

If you can bear

the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul

If you can be faithless

and therefore trustworthy.

 

I want to know

if you can see Beauty

even when it is not pretty every day

And if you can source your own life from its presence.

 

I want to know

if you can live with failure yours and mine

and still, stand at the edge of the lake

and shout to the silver of the full moon,

“Yes.”

 

It doesn’t interest me

to know where you live or how much money you have

I want to know

if you can get up after the night of grief and despair weary and bruised to the bone

and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

 

It doesn’t interest me

who you know

or how you came to be here

I want to know

if you will stand in the centre of the fire with me

and not shrink back.

 

It doesn’t interest me

where or what or with whom you have studied

I want to know

what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away

I want to know

if you can be alone

with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep

in the empty moments.

By Oriah © Mountain Dreaming,

from the book The Invitation

 

Teresa Rodden is the founder and owner of Pink Cloud Coaching, Author of Wholly Sober, creator of 28 Day Resolve, and of several woman based groups and organizations that recognize the unique needs and challenges of women.

She’s passionate about helping women identify their personal power and break the need to misuse life-sucking vices robbing women of their one and only precious life experience. Living Wholly Sober is not recovery! Click here to talk.

A Sober Conversation in Stirrups

Following is a conversation I documented and never shared from my gyno exam last summer. Perhaps, it was because I was in the middle of writing my first book Wholly Sober and I was on one track. I nearly deleted it cleaning up my desktop. I didn’t change anything. I forget many health care professionals are truly interested in seeing a change in such a taboo and complex subject.

“How did you come into your line of business?” She looked at me and smiled.

Looking a bit confused not recalling discussing my vocation with her, she looked at my chart again, “Life Coach, right?”

“Oh, yes! I work with women who would like to reduce or abstain from alcohol.”

“Really?”

“Yes, I come from a lineage of women who abused alcohol and each quit without traditional intervention. I also have over 13 years sober.”

“Not by means of traditional intervention.” Assuming.

“Actually, I did 59 days of outpatient, attended my first AA meeting on the 59^th day and drank that evening. I then became a devout member of AA for about six months. I realized if I had to live identifying as an alcoholic, it being my primary identification, I was going to get drunk. I walked away almost 13 years ago.”

“Wow. I think you’re onto something.”

“I help women develop self-love and see the possibilities of doing better for themselves. They are not helpless, hopeless, or powerless. Thirteen years ago, I decided to shift my focus from alcohol and say no, to say yes to building the best life for me possible.”

“That could apply to just about any addiction.“

“It sure could. It’s not about the alcohol, food, sex, gambling, drugs; it’s about what we are using the substance or vice for. What are we distracting ourselves from? Trying to avoid? Quiet down in our minds? Soothing pain, emotional or spiritual?

I want to change the conversation. I want people to start considering the continuum of behavior rather than normal or alcoholism, or addict.”

“You just may hold the key to changing it all.”

My turn for WOW!

Her words landed deep, “Wow, that’s a lot of weight!”

“Oh, I’m sorry.”

“No, no worries. My hope is to change it all. Stop trying to fit everybody in the same box. It’s impossible and not working. We have more treatment facilities than ever, and the number of addictions is higher than ever. Because nothing has changed in over 75 years. The vast majority is using a treatment approach that was designed based off a religious practice and theory alone. With one major sweep, one size fits all. And has less than a 10% success rate. There are too many variables to consider in every person, environment, body and brain chemistry, personality, use, beliefs, the reason for use and willingness to learn, change and do better.  We are individuals and what’s always been is just not working.”

It’s hard to not talk about something I’m so passionate about. Even in stirrups. 😉

 

 

Teresa Rodden is the founder and owner of Pink Cloud Coaching, Author of Wholly Sober, creator of 28 Day Resolve, and of several woman based groups and organizations that recognize the unique needs and challenges of women.

She’s passionate about helping women identify their personal power and break the need to misuse life-sucking vices robbing women of their one and only precious life experience. Living Wholly Sober is not recovery! Click here to talk.

 

80% of women use silence to express hurt (anger/pain). You know she’s truly hurt (anger/in pain) when she chooses to ignore you. (OR STUFFS IT DOWN!)

I saw this quote on social media, and it hit me. I wasn’t able to find the origin, but it rings true. In fact, the number may be higher. What I have found is an event can seem not even close in scale but inflicts the same measure of pain depending on the individual. But because the perceived scale is out of balance, she disregards the pain and stuffs it down.

I used to internalize and medicate my hurt and pain away. If I were hurt, I would instantly transform it into anger which felt more powerful. So, when I got mad (hurt) especially at someone close to me such as my spouse, sister, friend, or boss, I would dumb it down with alcohol and reason; it doesn’t matter; it’s not that big of a deal; they don’t care anyway. And one of the most common stuff down comments I hear, “It won’t change anything.” How the hell would you know?

I’ve learned this is like swallowing poison. It may be that it doesn’t matter. How you can tell if it doesn’t matter is if you can truly let it go and never speak of it again – to anyone! That means no talking about it to someone else. If it bothers you enough to talk about it (other than a coach or counselor), then you probably need to work through it to really let it go. I’ll share some of the ways I handle hurt and pain healthfully.

Now, when I am angry, I pause to process.

What am I  feeling? Hurt, scared, insecure

Identify the charge? Betrayed, lied to, disrespected

And how can I have peace (not always easy)? Have a complicated conversation, end a relationship

For instance, when my husband does something that pisses me off (hurts me) I will do one of two things depending on the level of pissedness I am. If I’m pissed, but still calm enough and able to think rationally, I can usually admit that I am hurt (not angry). Next, I will identify the charge – was I offended, insulted, or felt disrespected. Then I speak the truth, “Hey, that didn’t feel good. Is that what you meant?” What I know for sure is my husband loves me and doesn’t want to hurt me. But we are human, and we say things in the heat of the moment. When I respond in this manner, it’s like the grip of anger releases, and we can get to what’s really going on.

Grace always wins the day!

Now if I’m steaming mad I will remove myself from the situation and have several scenarios of conversation with myself usually dropping a lot if F-bombs. But this way I get to say, think and feel everything I want without massive destruction. Face it gals, we can cut deep with our words, and that’s never good. Grace always wins the day. And I usually find I can see things clearer once I’ve been removed. But this takes being real grown up and being honest instead of right.

Which brings me to my final point – learn to get clear about what you want from this event. Do you want to be right, understood, respected, loved, or feel cared for? Or do you want to hurt, embarrass, or disrespect them? What’s the motivation for how you respond?

Whatever you do don’t stuff down the hurt and anger and think it simply goes away. Unresolved hurt (anger) seethes inside and changes you. The more you ignore it, drink it away, the more alcohol you’re going to need. It’s a cycle that took me twenty years to identify and break. I don’t know what came first the hurt, anger, pain or the alcohol. I do know they fed each other. The more pain, the more alcohol; the more alcohol, the more painful choices and consequences; the more pain, the more alcohol to soothe.

Take charge of your hurt. Identify it as such and not simply anger. Speak the truth, “I hurt, and this is why.” Get clear about what will give you peace around it. Don’t numb it out or dumb it down with alcohol. When you do, you are fermenting the rage inside.

Get the book!

Get the support!

Teresa Rodden is the founder and owner of Pink Cloud Coaching, Author of Wholly Sober, creator of 28 Day Resolve, and of several woman based groups and organizations that recognize the unique needs and challenges of women.

She’s passionate about helping women identify their personal power and break the need to misuse life-sucking vices robbing women of their one and only precious life experience. Living Wholly Sober is not recovery! Click here to talk.

What’s Your Drinking Objective? 

Most of us don’t even think about it. We just drink. Of course, when I say we, I mean me many many moons ago.

In Wholly Sober I discovered that the women in my family didn’t drink because they were alcoholics, they drank because they were in a lot of pain. Not physical pain. The pain of losing any sense of self. Any hope of choice over their life. Every one of them stopped drinking without any intervention or program. They each came to a point in their life where they simply decided to stop. That’s why I say they weren’t alcoholics. Although the path of destruction was so great even I at one time used the term (alcoholic) liberally. Instead, they were misusing alcohol. Using it as a way to escape or forget, not think, if only for a moment.