Can You Lose Your Sobriety?

My husband and I were recently watching a sitcom and an alcoholic woman who had two years of sobriety got drunk. Her daughter organized an intervention by one female program member who had significant years sober and another who was newly sober, also in program. A comment was made “you just lost two years of sobriety”. This comment created a debate between me and my husband.

His position was “it only takes one drink and you lose your sobriety, your time”. I understand where he is coming from as this is the dogma of AA. He had abused alcohol beginning in his teens and began stepping into the rooms of AA at 19, by court orders. This was the beginning of an in and out AA approach to sobriety for the next 17 years. Because of his pattern of in and out he was commonly referred to as a retread. Appealing and supportive, right? Thank you, Jesus that I have had the wonderful blessing of never seeing my husband so much as take a drink in the 11 years we have been together. Simply because he believes to his core that if he takes a drink he will reignite his disease and be desperately out of control, makes it true for him. There is no additional evidence required. I accept and respect his position.

My position is she hadn’t lost anything. She had lived two years sober. That cannot be lost or taken away. She has a very solid understanding between living sober and living drunk. You can’t take away days of someone’s life experience. It’s simply not possible. Okay, I get you might think “we are talking semantics”, but hear me out. Once someone has experienced something it becomes truth to them. She has truth that she can live sober. She has truth that she needs some help with coping.

Can you see how by her accepting the belief – I am so broken and powerless that the last two years of living sober was wiped out and basically non-existent – could deliver such a blow to her self-esteem, health, and well-being? How it could injure her confidence to continue on? Might minimize her belief that she can live a sober life?

Can you see how if she owns this belief that it might be a great excuse to repeat the behavior sooner than later? Hell, if she was able to have two years of sobriety and get drunk, nobody would be surprised if she only had a week, month or year, and drank again.

My intention is not challenging AA or the 12 step program. My intention is for people to challenge their beliefs.

What do you believe and why do you believe it? Does it support you? Does it empower you? What evidence do you have?

Beliefs are powerful. I encourage you to be willing to hold space for other possibilities. Sometimes situations, time, people, and things create a need to reconsider, possibly reshape your beliefs. We as humans are designed to learn and grow until the end of our days.

Don’t it make sense that what we believed at 12, 22, or 30, might be different than what we believe after a 50 year lifetime of living?

Need help identifying your beliefs; creating powerful beliefs; moving forward with confidence and conviction?

Schedule a free coaching consultation today!

– Teresa Rodden, Certified Life Coach

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Be Curious and Challenge Often

Be Curious and Challenge Often

There is a reference that if you blindly follow a group, program, or popular opinion without challenging or considering how it aligns with your own personal beliefs, thoughts, values, ideals, etc., you are acting as a lemming. The common belief is that lemmings follow each other off cliffs committing  mass suicide simply because they don’t make their own choices.

I have been thinking long and hard about the lemming belief lately. It’s come up in a few conversations and it seems to have hit a very raw spot in my heart

One of the bravest things I had to do to remain sober was walk away from the most referred program out there for anyone wanting help with alcohol abuse. I worked the program – over 90 meetings in 90 days, got a sponsor, did service work, worked the steps, you name it I did it. I was a faithful follower – until I wasn’t.

When I started becoming the topic of gossip and my personal lifeinside blog post pic be curious challenge often was being discussed among the members, I felt betrayed.  I didn’t get the “if you don’t keep coming back you’re going to get drunk”, as I had heard so many say before.  The fact is, I wasn’t wanted in my group anymore. I didn’t agree with things that were being said and done and the ever flowing current of hypocrisy never stopped.   Now I will be the first to say this is my truth, my side of the story. I can most assure their story is different, as there is always at least two sides to every story. But the bottom line is I wanted my sobriety more than I wanted their program.  I had to face the fact if I wanted my sobriety, I had to be willing to stand alone and leave the only sober community I had.

I won’t go into detail because at the end of the day it’s she said – she said – he said – she said – he said. Yes, it was me against the group. It was humiliating and hurtful and really tested my ability to believe in myself and continue to be healthy.  What I know for sure is I would have preferred to be drunk than to continue in the rooms. I took a chance and followed my gut. It paid off well. Alcohol does not take center stage in my life. I do!

A guiding principal of Pink Cloud Coaching is to learn to trust and believe in yourself. By learning how to go deep with what you want; who you want to be; what you want to do; and how you want to live.  It’s not as easy as it sounds.  It takes  gathering solid evidence cultivating your inner wisdom and trust. You have all you need to rely on within you. Your most trusted advisor is…a healthy and an aware you.

The following quote sums it up beautifully:

“Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.” – Buddha

I couldn’t agree more. I am certain had I not listened to my own truth and not done the work to really understand what matters most to me; foster an ongoing romance between me and my goals, dreams, and aspirations – I wouldn’t have experienced over a decade of peaceful sobriety.

By the way, the common belief that lemmings blindly follow each other off cliffs and commit mass suicide is a myth. Funny how we are so willing to believe what is popular opinion. Even the smartest of us fall victim to it.

In closing, wake up my darling. Be willing to do what works best for you. Don’t know what that is? Get really curious about what makes you happy and what causes you anxiety.  If something just doesn’t feel right, challenge it.

They’re all clues to reveal your truth. And the truth shall set and keep you free!

I have designed a phenomenal 4 week process to help you start clearing away the myths and create a solid foundation to move you forward.  Click here to schedule a chat and see if it feels right for you.

The traditional AA/12 step program does work for some, but not all. I know many who have been sober for decades who live the program and it saved their life. I mean no disrespect to the program as a whole. This is my experience.

Schedule a free coaching consultation today!

– Teresa Rodden, Certified Life Coach

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Fatherless – Does it matter?

 

I hear a lot about fatherless sons. I understand why the focus. If our sons aren’t learning from their father, then who from? They say “Life imitates art”, our most highly recognized form of art is celebrityism. Through the art of acting, singing, and dancing our boys are being influenced. Unfortunately, in today’s time you don’t even need an art form to be a celebrity which complicates an already complicated situation further.   So our sons are being influenced by rappers, thugs, adulterers, serial daters, egotistical maniacs, spend thrifts, drug addicts, and shall I go on? I think not, I am growing bored.

I just laid out a pretty interesting theory why our young fatherless sons are growing up and mistreating women, being financially irresponsible, misguided, and having less than respect for people. That’s kind of the general idea.

My oldest son experienced most of his life being raised as a fatherless son. My youngest son lived the majority of his life with his father. Both are the loves of my life. They are like oil and vinegar. One is very creative, abhors authority, and enjoys physical labor over deep thinking and problem solving. The other thrives with structure, honors authority, could sit on a computer programming for hours – maybe days. One is pretty calm while the other is highly expressive. One has great reasoning skills the other gets frustrated and aggravated when challenged. They have vastly different personalities, temperaments, and character traits.

They both have tender hearts and show me tremendous respect and love.  For that I am grateful.

Why am I telling you this? Because I get sick of the popular opinion thinking. “Oh, he didn’t have a father so that’s why he’s turned to a life of crime”. It pisses me off that some people excuse or expect some behavior because of, in essence, a stereotype.

My oldest son was always a straight A student, until his senior year in high school when he chose to live with his dad. He almost didn’t graduate. My youngest was terribly challenged at school from an early age. I met with his teachers every Wednesday for years, and ultimately he dropped out of school. His primary residence was with his father.

My original intention for this writing was about how the following quote landed on me as I read it through my Facebook feed.

“A daughter needs a dad to be the standard against which she will judge all men”

My dad was the standard against which I judged all men. He abandoned me at 2 years old and I subconsciously expected abandonment not just from men, but from everyone and everything. Quit, leave, abort before you are abandoned, was my M.O. The quote stops shy a bit of the potential damage a daddy can do.

At 30 years old, I chose not to judge my dad, but to have a non-committal relationship where we can have conversations and I can learn from him. Recently having a 90 minute talk on a snowy day about my grandma Fern who killed herself racing between bars to win a bet. Knocked a church clean off its foundation. I know you want more…that’ll have to wait for another time.  My point is I found a way to heal. I learned to accept the terms I was given to move forward in a way that honors me and promotes the life I want.

Did my oldest son become an even tempered, thoughtful, responsible man because his father was absent until his high school days? Or was it because his mother demonstrated her values and unconditional love, never complaining about his father’s absence and just doing the do? Living life with him instead of telling him life is less than because some how he got shorted.

Did my youngest son make choices that will create more challenges for him because he lived with his father, or because he didn’t live with his mother?

Does it really matter? I couldn’t love them anymore and nothing could make me love them any less.

In conclusion, I don’t think we need to worry so much about who is not in our lives as much as we need to be conscious, aware and engaged with who is in our lives. This is life people. Don’t make excuses and live it!

Interested in working through, letting go, and moving forward?

Schedule a free coaching consultation today!

– Teresa Rodden, Certified Life Coach

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Finding Your Individuality

Finding Your Individuality

Each one of us is unique. Born as an individual. A divine creation. Not one of us is exactly the same. Sure there may be similarities, but not the same.

Why is this so important to me? Why does it matter that I explore this? I think maybe I was triggered when I wrote recently about someone tagging me as a survivor. I wrote about how I had a strong reaction to it. I wasn’t offended by the word, as much as, I was affected by the tagging and placed with all the other survivors. Like, “now I know you, you are a survivor”, and placed in the survivor slot.

Or the times in junior high when the principal had a special pet name for me, little Bitch. Oh, how just the sight of me could provoke him. Sure I cut class, drank Mad Dog 20/20, got in fights, and smoked grass, with all the other hoodlums. Awe, my beloved hoodlums. But he didn’t see that I was also the protector of the underdogs on the playground. The kids that were tortured and terrorized because they were different. I was their defender. Nope, Mr. Parr didn’t know that about me. He also didn’t know that I was smart and creative and wounded, deeply wounded. That I drank to escape and feel a touch of freedom. I fought for justice and to protect the weak and vulnerable. I cut class because I had an over protective mother that wouldn’t allow us to go anywhere except school, and most of the time the cutting of the class, was her keeping us home. And about the weed, it really wasn’t my thing. I did it if it was there.

They say people make an opinion about you within seconds, maybe minutes. That’s why you should “Always make a good first impression”. Wanna know what I think? Ta’ hell with preparing for that first impression. You are you. Beautifully, gloriously, radiantly you. If YOU show up. I found that most of the people I meet aren’t the same people I get to know. We are all fucking human. And that’s a great thing. We have one of a kind experiences, with an individual mind, using its very own way of processing information, utilizing every unique life experience you’ve ever encountered, to come to its own conclusion, outcome, realization, thought, and perception. Damn we are beautiful and complexed.

Which brings me to – The incredible need to be alike. The more we are alike we are accepted. We want to find our tribe and fit in. We want to be loved and to matter. God, that’s the greatest need, isn’t it? To belong. Couldn’t that be where we connect and come together as one? Rather than we buy the same labels, drink the same kool-aid, (pun not intended…okay maybe it was subconsciously), read from the same book,share the same affliction -like alcoholics, or even worship the same God.

What if we connected because we want to experience learning, love, and laughter?  Without the sacrificial loss of our individuality and uniqueness trying to be alike.

In an effort to understand my strongest core value, Individuality, I noticed none of my friends are connected in any other way, other than me. They all have vastly different interests, beliefs, body sizes, hair colors, educations, and on and on. I never knew I had friends that were struggling with alcohol until I started working from the Pink Cloud Coaching theory. It turns out a few were concerned. I have friends who smoke dope and others who have never even tried it. I have hippie friends and couture friends.

Recently I was told, “You’ve always made friends with people that have the most challenging personalities”. It’s true. A few of my friends can rub general society, yes I generalized, the wrong way. They are “too the point”, “speak their truth”, kinda gals. It’s almost as though a filter was missed in production. I can see how it could be off-putting, but I just never personally got offended by their directness. I think I revel in it. I love their individual spirit. They don’t try to fit in or conform. They simply…be.

  • What does your friend pot look like? Green beans or Goulosh?
  • What differences do you see in you and your friends?
  • Do you pull back or go along to get along?
  • How does your individuality and uniqueness shine through?
  • What would you like to do differently to celebrate your you-ness?
  • Having trouble answering any of these questions or not liking the answers?

Let’s work together getting your You to shine through.

– Teresa Rodden, Certified Life Coach

Concerned with the way you’re drinking? Feeling over occupied by thinking about drinking?
Want to gain tools, support, and guidance to handle alcohol before it handles you. Click here!

Want to schedule a chat and experience what it might be like to work with me? Contact me!

– Teresa Rodden, Certified Life Coach

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